Reporting on the top stories of last week, essentially meaning it's not really news because CNN now has devices that can report the news to your smartphone three hours before it actually happens.
Virginia: Dick Cheney, former Vice President, underwent a heart transplant granting him a few more years of precious life. Doctors say that the transplant was necessary as Cheney's last heart had become too black.
Pyongyang: North Korea declares it wants the United States to send it food. In exchange for this, it plans to launch a missile in the exact opposite direction of Washington D.C. That's not a joke. No, that's really their plan.
London: David Cameron thoroughly denies the statement by Peter Cruddas that a quarter-million pound donation can buy you access into political circles. A summary of Cameron's response was; "Politics does not cater to the rich, it has never catered to the rich, nor shall it ever cater to the rich."
Mexico: Ex-Nazi Pope Benedict visits this week and promises to help the country continue suppressing the rights of women and the LBGT community. In addition, he claims he plans to help stem the drug wars currently sweeping the nation. Possibly by forming a blow'n'weed for salvation exchange program.
Kandahar: The U.S. Military has declared; "We are truly sorry we gave a gun to a guy that the L.A. Times reports had a long history of alcoholism, violence, and abuse. Our bad. Here's $46,000 for each of the 17 people he murdered. Now go away."
Louisiana: CNN Projects that Rick Santorum has won the Bible Belt and will win the Republican nomination. Santorum claims: "I will do for the United States what I did for Pennsylvania." Pennsylvanians wince, remembering this was the guy that tried to remove the teaching of evolution in schools and who claimed President Kennedy's speech on the separation of Church and State "almost made him throw up."
Queen Charlotte Islands: A 60 meter long ship swept away by last years Tsunami in Japan was found to be floating off the west coast of Canada. Responding to this, Yoshihiko Noda and Stephen Harper have vowed to hammer out a free trade agreement. "We have concluded that both our societies are weird, but very friendly," both prime ministers said simultaneously.
Manchester: Queen Elizabeth II, as part of the Jubilee tour, gatecrashed the wedding of John and Frances Canning. No, I'm not making that up. How cool is that? The monarch yelled something about a "kegger" and then proceeded to pinch the groom's bum. Okay, that part I'm making up.
In corporate news, several pharmaceutical companies like AstraZeneca, Merck, and Targacept are declaring that antidepressants just aren't profitable anymore. "Frankly, we find this depressing, but we just have no clue as to how to deal with it right now. If only there was some kind of quick-fix...like a pill or something."
On wall street, conservative industrialists complained that President Obama is not doing his job to stimulate the economy. "The President has rebuilt the economy so that it's now mostly recovered from the crash caused by the previous administration. It is completely unacceptable to have a Democrat in office like this. Mark our words: Obamanomics will destroy us all."
In other business news, CitiBank is reducing it's holdings in Turkish company Akbank. Morgan Stanley Bank considers buying out CitiBank. London's NBNK banking conglomerate plans on buying Lloyds bank's holdings. Italy's Banca Monte has sold considerable parts of itself to J.P. Morgan and Credit Suisse banks, and a group of Bavarian banks has decided not to buy Bayerische Landesbank. All of this meaning absolutely nothing to 98% of the population that are starting to think that credit unions are starting to look better and better.